Legends continued...

Leave it to my Al to think of a great celebratory occasion to inspire his post versus the hatefest that seem to inspire mine. Thank you Al, for reminding me of why we luv who we luv. And dear God do we luv Kelly and Reba. Now before I hand out my invites I need to clarify that fish wine has played a pivotal role in more than one Al and Mama night to remember. The first fish wine night involved a monster truck rally, the little mermaid soundtrack, one shot too many of Jaeger, and me… naked… in bed with Al's significant other. Ohhhhh, sounds juicy doesn't it???? Yes well let me tell you that the first thought that went through my head that morning was, "J must have been really wasted to get in bed with me naked." Now, if you are a lady, and I am, in the sense that I have lady parts, not in that I behave in a demure sexual manner, and the first thought you have when you wake up in bed with a man naked is that he must have been really really drunk, you know something is wrong. I kid I kid! I love that little Lucifer…. I mean J. Anyways back to the Legends Ball.

I have three very exclusive invitations to hand out today. And anyone who knows me knows who's getting them. Cher. Ellen DeGeneres. And Dolly mother-effin Parton. The holy trinity, if you will. These three women are my Sheros (Oprah phrase!).

1. Cher. September 24,2008. Otherwise known as Chergate. I was in Vegas and had one ticket to see Cher at the Coliseum. I get the blow by blow of how absurdly amazing she is in concert by my old roommate, pre-gamed solo (I need nobody to a) see cher or b) get buzzed), and headed out to the Vegas Strip. Cut to me sobbing to Al on the phone (no really, he thought someone had died), sitting on a pillar inside the coliseum because Cher had cancelled. Shudder. I don't like to remember this experience but I think it is important to illustrate my passion and devotion for this… this goddess. She is steel determination poured into the body of a femme fatale, she represents the ability to overcome adversity (do you believe in life after love people? because I do), and on top of that she has a glossy mane that just won't quit. Let's be honest, if you don't love Cher I probably don't love you. When life gets you down I ask you, what would Cher do? And Cher wouldn't bat an eye, she'd toss that aforementioned mane, and step right on over that hot mess you were cryin' over. Cher says don't you ever let anyone or anything get you down; and we'd all be better off to take that advice. Her VH1 Behind the Music is what started my love affair and it has been going strong ever since. And no Cher shout out would be complete without mention of if I could turn back time. That is a) my jam and b) what inspired songs like "since you've been gone." So thank you Cher, thank you for being my backbone and musical inspiration. Where can I send the invitation? No, really, where can I send the invitation? I promise I won't do anything awkward like quit my job, buy a tent and live outside your gate. Because you know if I did she'd march right out grab me by the shoulders and tell me to get ahold of myself.

2. Ellen Ellen Ellen. Oh how I love thee. How many mornings did I wake up to your talk show and watch you dance around your studio audience with a smile on your face and wouldn't you know it… I'd be smiling by the end of the song. She's just so affable and genuine. Ellen doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Nope. No bones there. Ever. But anyways, speaking of her sexuality, who doesn't want to punch Anne Heche in the face? I know I do. I know Al does. And if I ever find her I'll hold her crazy face down until Al gets there to deliver a firm punch in the belly. Oh whatevs, so she's prego. Let's not get all PC - that woman is loco. Helloooo do we NOT remember the break up situation where she ended up in the desert talking about aliens? Yeah. And she's also a slooty husband stealing ho-bag. And nuts. But Ellen survived that break up and she survived coming out and the back lash and losing her show and having dinner parties with Melissa Etheridge while she nursed her broken heart. Okay, so I don't feel bad for her regarding dinner with Melissa. I'm a fan. Come to my window? Sure will Mel. Sure will. Especially if I can have whatever Juliette Lewis was on in that music video. And “I’m the Only One,” yeah, from one crazy stalker girl to another, you know that's on repeat. Anyways, the thing about Ellen is, is that she's very very funny but she's also very approachable. Did you see her comedy special where the dyke (OH COME ON EVEN ELLEN THOUGHT SHE WAS A DUDE) gets all teary telling her how when Ellen came out it gave her the courage to do the same (um, sweetie, you look like a dude, I think the jig is up). Anyways, Ellen just beckoned her on down to the stage and gave her a good long hug, and you could just tell it was so sincere. That's the thing, Ellen doesn't belittle others and she has moments of weakness and she is imperfect and you just have to love someone for showing that vulnerability. Also, she overcame a lot of hard stuff and came out on top and makes a big effort to give back to others. She's got Oprah's charitable nature but she puts herself on the level of the people, whereas Lord Oprah sort of takes pity on the people… Okay to give an example, Oprah builds a school whereas Ellen would be a teacher or something. One last thing about Ellen and then I'll wrap up this incredibly long post, oh wait i have another invite. bear with me friends. So, I have a very active fantasy world and there one scenario I have involving Ellen where I get famous (I spend a lot of time thinking about getting famous) and end up going on Ellen as a guest. Well cut to Ellen saying, "So, Erica, I hear you are a big fan of me." And I'm all, "oh, well, YES, of course I love you El belle!" and then she's like, "yeah but I hear you are a fan of someone else…" and I'm caught off guard, not sure where she is going with this…. "yes…" I say ever so hesitantly. Ellen then turns to the audience and says "we have a little video for Erica." Well the camera cuts to my friends each being interviewed about how I'm such a fan of Ellen I won't shut up about Ellen but I also love Cher, won't shut up about Cher it is always Cher and Ellen Ellen and Cher." I can just see al in the video, "oh god don't get her started… no, really, don’t." So then I hear behind me the song. You know the song. "if I could turn back tiiiiiyome" and I turn around AND THERE IS CHER!!!!!!!! Well, I'm pretty sure you know what happens next. Lots of tears and hugging. And the culmination of a fantasy that I have pretty much ensured will never ever happen. Tear.

3. Dolly. Now you may think what? Who? When? Where? Listen people. Cher has steely grit and determination and an unflappable nature that eludes most humans. In fact, all humans. and Ellen is someone who will hug you (just ask the dyke) and say it is alright, no one is perfect, life is hard but let's go have a drink and talk it out and you do and by the end of your drinkathon you are crying because you are laughing, laughing at yourself and the situation and you know you'll be okay. But dolly, oh dolly. Dolly is the inspiration. Dolly is the one who grew up sleeping on a dirt floor. Dolly is the woman who overcame adversity that would bring Cher and Ellen to their knees. Dolly makes you smile and she doesn’t dwell on the small stuff or on the negative stuff. She’s like, honey it just ain’t worth it, life’s too short. Another bit of advice I think is worth taking or at least trying to remember. Especially when you are sitting at your desk on a Thursday and trying to not focus on annoying coworkers and cold weather etc… Anyways, point is she doesn't let anything get in her path but she does it so sweetly and with such love for the world you wouldn’t know she had ever been through anything. And she is so grateful for her experiences and hardship; in fact I don't even think she thinks of it that way. I mean you ask her about her childhood and she's more likely to tell you about running around the woods with her 11 brothers and sisters playing games and singin' songs then she is to tell you about how god awful poor her family was. She is sunshine and spitfire with sass and class. And I love her. That hair (I heart big hair) that makeup (no secret)! That figure! Hour glass my ass that woman rocks a body I covet, minus a cup size or two. And if you ever want to see a truly gifted casting director with a unique vision please rent “straight talk.” Not only is it an awesome movie with a GREAT soundtrack that will inspire you to persevere (i may or may not have danced around to the music video that plays before the movie where Dolly has BABY'S BREATH in her hair wearing my panda pajamas after a rough night out at the bar(s)) BUT to get back to my original point - the love interest for Dolly’s character in the movie is none other than Mr. James Woods. It works. It is amazing. The chemistry is hott. Trust me. Or better yet, go rent it (or come over and watch it with me! cause i own it).

So there you have it. My invitations are extended and I look forward to the karaoke party that will ensue at the exclusive legends ball after party. Who wants to be my date???

Legends Ball Nomination

Let’s face it, if there’s anyone to aspire to in life, it’s Oprah Winfrey. The bitch sneezes and orphans get adopted. Big O blinks an eye and African girls get into Harvard. Oprah’s not necessarily someone I’d like to hang-out with (save, of course, for the free swag), but she is someone I’d like to be. So, in an ongoing effort to become Oprah-like, Mama and I have decided to host a Legends Ball. While Oprah’s Legends Ball focused on ladies of the African-American persuasion, our ball will be a bit more inclusive. My first nomination? Kelly Clarkson. Here’s why.

The Top Ten Reasons My Life Would Suck Without Kelly Clarkson

1. Kelly, as far as I’m concerned you are the American Idol. You snuck up on us that first season, but by the time you hit your stride, you were unstoppable. It irks me know to think there was a debate between you and Justin Pom-pom-on-his-head. I mean, please? You made “A Moment Like This” a revelation, which is sort of like singing a Hallmark card and making it seem like an expression of genuine poetic feeling. The reason we’re in American Idol 500 is we’re simply searching for someone as good as you, Kelly.
2. You’re music has provided the soundtrack to so many nights. A particular one that stands is a New Year’s several years ago. These are my memories in whole: Mama’s kitchen, “Since U Been Gone” comes on, Mama and I celebrate by pounding some fish wine (yes, that would be wine in a bottle shaped like a fish, typically paired with fish, but at the time, we were rocking it solo – don’t judge), go to the bar, take shots off an ice luge, proceed to get wasted, Mama has to leave early, as do I…blackout. Happy New Year’s, wasteface! Thank you, Kelly, for helping me purge that year in more ways than one.
3. Your love of Reba. No offense to your amazing songs, Kels, but “Fancy” is the best song…ever. It makes sense you and Reba would be friends, and frankly, I’d like to grab a beer with you two, get a bit tipsy, and then go to a karaoke bar. I like you, I like Reba, I like us. You know what? I’m gonna make sure good ‘ole Reebs gets an invitation to the Legends Ball too, and y’all can even be seated together, providing you do a duet of “Because of You” for entertainment.

4. “Sober.” It’s a slept-on song from your hated-on last album, but this shit is killer. That last minute. That voice. The screaming singing and the pure outpouring of emotion. Let it out girl, let it out. Now, not just anyone could sing “three months and I’m still sober” and make me not want to wretch, because, let’s face it, I’m not a fan of the whole being sober thing, but you, Kelly – you can.
5. In addition to New Year’s, there’s another great memory associated with a Kelly song. I was dating this boy once in college who ended whatever we had because he was still in love with his ex. After calling things off, he proceeded to post the lyrics to “Because of You” on his facebook page. Now, Kelly, when you sing “Because of You” I get the genuine emotion you’re portraying about your parents; however, when he posted the lyrics as a pathetic fuck-you to his ex, the very ex he dumped me for, it made me realize what a favor he had just done me. Because of you, Kelly, he was revealed as his sad self and I was saved the heartache.
So there you have it, Kelly, I’m a fan. Big fan. Don’t care if you might be a lesbian. Don’t care about that last album of weird Evanescence knock-offs. You’ve got the voice of angels, you’re the girl next door, approachable, huggable, relatable…you’re a legend.

Evan Rachel Whore

Mama and I had the pleasure of seeing "The Wrestler" over the weekend. I left feeling ambigious; didn't love it, didn't hate it. One thing I'm certain of, however, is my disdain for Evan Rachel Whore. She was barely in the movie, just a few scenes really, but she managed to give me a sick feeling in my stomach every time her plain mug appeared. Why, you ask? Because the sexual tension was palpable between her character and the character of Mickey Rourke, who portrayed a daughter-father duo. I'm not sure anyone wants to fuck Mickey Rourke, let alone his movie daughter, so my hat is off to you, Evan Rachel Whore for infusing "The Wrestler" with a creepy, odd subtext like only you can.

Let's backtrack and recount the facts. She's been in, oh, I don't know, zero good movies. She dated Marilyn Manson for almost two years. For some reason, she's consistently featured, albeit sparingly, in the Bible, er, I mean US Weekly. I don't get it.

Ok, so you're a "talented" actress. Ok, so you're artistic and tortured and a free spirit, which apparently means you have the license to act in sucky movies while retaining your good actress status. Which appearently means you get to fuck a vampire and ask for the public's understanding. Which appearently means you get to have three names, one of which is for boys. I don't get it.

Bitch, you are from Raleigh, North Carolina. Now, when I think of Raleigh, I think of Bojangle's and the Wolfpack (barf) and a prediliction for the use of the word "y'all." I don't think of anything you stand for. So, you know what, here's my plan for your redemption: date a hot Southern boy, start hanging out with Lindsey (not a Southerner, of course, but a Southerner by heart and a least she knows how to have a good time) and, oh, I don't know, act in a movie that I actually like.

Until then, you're on the shit list.