Legends Ball Nomination

Let’s face it, if there’s anyone to aspire to in life, it’s Oprah Winfrey. The bitch sneezes and orphans get adopted. Big O blinks an eye and African girls get into Harvard. Oprah’s not necessarily someone I’d like to hang-out with (save, of course, for the free swag), but she is someone I’d like to be. So, in an ongoing effort to become Oprah-like, Mama and I have decided to host a Legends Ball. While Oprah’s Legends Ball focused on ladies of the African-American persuasion, our ball will be a bit more inclusive. My first nomination? Kelly Clarkson. Here’s why.

The Top Ten Reasons My Life Would Suck Without Kelly Clarkson

1. Kelly, as far as I’m concerned you are the American Idol. You snuck up on us that first season, but by the time you hit your stride, you were unstoppable. It irks me know to think there was a debate between you and Justin Pom-pom-on-his-head. I mean, please? You made “A Moment Like This” a revelation, which is sort of like singing a Hallmark card and making it seem like an expression of genuine poetic feeling. The reason we’re in American Idol 500 is we’re simply searching for someone as good as you, Kelly.
2. You’re music has provided the soundtrack to so many nights. A particular one that stands is a New Year’s several years ago. These are my memories in whole: Mama’s kitchen, “Since U Been Gone” comes on, Mama and I celebrate by pounding some fish wine (yes, that would be wine in a bottle shaped like a fish, typically paired with fish, but at the time, we were rocking it solo – don’t judge), go to the bar, take shots off an ice luge, proceed to get wasted, Mama has to leave early, as do I…blackout. Happy New Year’s, wasteface! Thank you, Kelly, for helping me purge that year in more ways than one.
3. Your love of Reba. No offense to your amazing songs, Kels, but “Fancy” is the best song…ever. It makes sense you and Reba would be friends, and frankly, I’d like to grab a beer with you two, get a bit tipsy, and then go to a karaoke bar. I like you, I like Reba, I like us. You know what? I’m gonna make sure good ‘ole Reebs gets an invitation to the Legends Ball too, and y’all can even be seated together, providing you do a duet of “Because of You” for entertainment.

4. “Sober.” It’s a slept-on song from your hated-on last album, but this shit is killer. That last minute. That voice. The screaming singing and the pure outpouring of emotion. Let it out girl, let it out. Now, not just anyone could sing “three months and I’m still sober” and make me not want to wretch, because, let’s face it, I’m not a fan of the whole being sober thing, but you, Kelly – you can.
5. In addition to New Year’s, there’s another great memory associated with a Kelly song. I was dating this boy once in college who ended whatever we had because he was still in love with his ex. After calling things off, he proceeded to post the lyrics to “Because of You” on his facebook page. Now, Kelly, when you sing “Because of You” I get the genuine emotion you’re portraying about your parents; however, when he posted the lyrics as a pathetic fuck-you to his ex, the very ex he dumped me for, it made me realize what a favor he had just done me. Because of you, Kelly, he was revealed as his sad self and I was saved the heartache.
So there you have it, Kelly, I’m a fan. Big fan. Don’t care if you might be a lesbian. Don’t care about that last album of weird Evanescence knock-offs. You’ve got the voice of angels, you’re the girl next door, approachable, huggable, relatable…you’re a legend.